I am your wonder man

I am your wonder man

 

I am your wonder man

Who wonders if you if you ever loved me mam

And If you ever did then, when?

 

I am your man lady

Who makes you wonder could he be that crazy?

Who makes you wonder is it true really?

 

I am your wonder man sister

Whose heart has been sinister?

and maybe vain to have fallen for such a pretty picture?

 

I am your wonder man baby

Who makes you wonder if I will treat you like a lady

Or should I fly for I am a little birdy?

 

Yes I am your wonder man baby

What we are is strange and powerful

Me and you are wonderful.

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I pray for the power to say ok!

Image

Yes it’s true

 

Please give me the power

The power to say it is ok

The strength to accept my faith

Please give the power not dream of change

I pray for the power to say ok

 

Please give me the power not fear the end

The power not to depend

The strength not to fear reality

I pray for the power to say ok

 

I pray for the power of acceptance

The power to accept me

The power to accept others

 

Please give me the strength to yes

Yes it happening

Yes it has happened

I pray for the power to accept death

 

I pray for the power of truth

The power not to hide in denial

A pray to face the truth

 

The truth is right in front of me

It is always in front of me

But I cannot say yes

 

I have learnt that there is power in changing things

We make our reality they say

But I have had it with this war

I pray for the ability so yes

 

Yes you’re the one

Yes I am not the one

Yes its not my time

Yes it is not a crime

To say yes and let it be ok

Why should we not develop the I Nkandla? Learning to speak South African style.

Why should we not develop the I Nkandla? Learning to speak South African style.

While watching the news yesterday I was reminded that South Africa has it’s own language. This language is usually fuelled by hate and race politics so when we speak you may not hear us. Lets start with Manyi telling coloured people to spread across the country and leave the bloody cape alone. There’s a need for Coloureds in other parts of the country he tells us. So there are a lot of things you could be hearing from this statement. Is Manyi going on another racist rant? Is Manyi just out of control to tell a whole nation that they are frustrating him? He was not looking happy when he was saying this but Manyi never happy.

The truth is that in this country we have employment equity. Some of the rules say you must have 45% must women, thirty percent must be African and so on and so on. Just imagine if all the women were in the Northern Cape boring province I know but bear with me. How the hell are you gonna meet your employment equity requirements if all the skirts are in that boring as kak province? So Manyi was not talking out of his behind but were in south Africa you see, so you might just not hear us.

Parliament wanker asking about the development the development is balmy. What they are saying is that they really don’t care about the rural people who live there. Maybe they should stay underdeveloped because the president is from there, right? Maybe the president coming from there is actually a curse not a gift to the people of Nkandla. Who doesn’t give back to their own town anyway? Sports people do it all the time. Ask any celebrity if he doesn’t get calls from community leaders and wankers alike asking him/her to help in some development project for their home town ASK THEM!

You can’t keep driving in an un tarred road going home when you’re the minister of roads and other stuff! It just sounds crazy. That’s like owning a butcher and feeding the kids fish. When giving back you can only give what you have. This attack has nothing to do with Nkandla it’s all about talking crap to the commander in chief. Oh I forgot to ask, are the people of Nkandla not tax payers or are they not south African? Maybe when the president comes from your home town you automatically become a foreigner. Just imagine sitting at the bar with your mates and bam a candidate from your own town wins ze election and bam your ze foreigner, everybody leaves the table because you know what “we don’t drink with foreigners”. Get serious

So if you listen closely you will hear that they are saying is F the people of Nkandla as long the presidents loses we are happy. As long as we get to make him look bad even at the expense of the unemployed its cool. Then we bad mouth him about service delivery. Not everyone is from a developed place and common sense dictates that everyone will try improve his or her community.

But if you are balmy as well you would think that these people have your interests at heart. Well let me tell you Dumbo, what better use is there for the money? Which are deserves it better? oh let me guess the area that could not produce a president right? Way to invest.

In closing, I say that I will drop dead if I am the president and I visit my friend then when I wanna take a dump I have to drop it in a whole in the ground. DROP DEAD I tell you DROP DEAD.

 

Just imagine the head line president fall into ditch toilet!!

Drive me wild.

Drive me wild.

The problem with these bus companies is that if the bus engine has a problem, you paint the bus. Then should the driver complain “there’s a problem with my brakes!”, manager “what bus are you driving?” driver “no 34!”. Manager “impossible, we just painted that bus last week”. Driver “but the brakes don’t work properly” manager “hey, I saw that bus this morning it’s very shinny”.

Driver “I think there’s a problem with my left tire” manager “noted!”. Manager “ sbu go pump that tire and put some nice polish, then shine it”. Driver “has the tire been looked at, by the mechanics?” manager “sure thing buddy don’t you see it shining?”.  Driver “I have shinny shoes with holes, shiny doesn’t equal quality” manager “if you don’t shut your trap and stop wasting company time you will soon also have a hole in your stomach buddy!”

Driver “my windscreen wipers don’t work”. Managers “grab this”. Driver shocked “what’s this manager?” that’s my old high school jersey you can use it to wipe your windows in the meantime. Driver  “What if it rains hard?” manager “Come on your going to that dry part of the country there’s no rain” driver “but what if?” manager “I remember your CV there was nothing about you being a weather forecaster there, so if I were you id shut my trap”.

Driver “hello manager” manager “make it quick, I am in no mood for your constant complains” driver “but…..” manager “tell me, do you like your job Dlamini, it is Dlamini right” driver “Yes” manager “answer me then”. Driver “yes I do want my job” manager “good, go do it then and let me do mine!”

Staff meeting

Manager “I would like to encourage everyone from the cleaning stuff to work harder and keep our fleet shinny. To our engineers and mechanics’ I would also like you guys to them overalls and tools clean. I personally hate oil so no oily spanners lying about. You guys have to keep this area nice and tidy.”

“To my favourite employees the spray painters I am very proud of you guys. My buses look new as ever well done. Lastly, but least to my complaining members of my staff, namely the drivers. If you guys reduce the brothel stops you’d save on brakes and you’d arrive on time with my buses. But no you guys are out there running amok starting tribes and ruining my “condomise campaign”. Our save it for the wife campaign last fell on deaf ears.”

“I am tired of answering calls about child support and new borns’ who need to meet their fathers. Stop parking my buses behind trees near misty rivers so that you can get some sugar. the moisture is corroding the metal. Reduce the laying with young women that leave you tired and sleepy on the roads. If the girl is too much for you stop it. The fleet is our livelihoods don’t misuse it and come here and expect my mechanics’ to get dirty because of your dirty deeds. We all know that these guys can’t pull up their pants please let’s not encourage this barbaric behaviour.”

“To the drinking members of my staff don’t drink and drive my bus. I will not bail you and your many children will have to visit you in jail should you get caught. Stop risking peoples lives and most importantly my fleet. I do not like wasting good money that could be spent painting my buses on court cases, lawyers and cheap brandy because you can’t think sober. So lets agree to stay off the good stuff.”

“Finally we have a bus coming in today, I am hoping that it will bring in more value to our company. I am handing this bus over to my most trusted employee, Mr Kantolo. He has driven for me for many years. I could have given him a bus with three wheels he would have driven it. I could have given him a bus with no roof he would have driven to the ocean and back dry and having delivered the passengers. He has lost his eye on his third accident when the brakes failed we know it was the taxi drivers fault forcing Kantolo to brake to early that bus had brake distance of a mile. Let this be lesson to all you complaining folk in my staff, loyalty may take your eye but it get you a new warn bus. Done”

The art of chasing skirts.

The art of chasing skirts.

Men in general are not happy to let an opportunity pass them by period. Especially a woman. It is for this particular reason that we have been discovering ways upon ways to attract the attention of a potential mate. There are about 18 million ways of doing this, and I am only quoting for South Africa seeing as we have 49 million people eating and crapping in South Africa. Its called an ecological kak print.

Let’s start with the whistle, these turn to differ with era and part of the world from which one comes. If you are from the sixties you enjoy this form of communication because it says your smart. Generally you would generally whistle at the lady as you give chase. Most modern women do not take kindly to construction worker behaviour, so use with care. After all she is not a taxi!

The arm brake generally used by tsotsi’s and tsotsi enthusiast alike. This would entail being in the young lady’s path. Just as she passes next you grab hold of her arm and say something sweet like baby, as you twist her hand behind her back. This will disable the young lady and clarify the positions held by everyone in the about to be relationship. All the while you can show your affection by using a firm grip. Should you require particular questions to be answered in a particular way, feel free to use the arm as weapon for attaining desired results. Release hand when desired answers have been attained.

The stare, this one is usually used by people who are either very sure of themselves, gay or who want to steal someone else’s woman.it can work wonders if you know how to convey massages through your eyes. So should your eyes meet it is customary that one person will go to the other to develop the reasons for the staring. Though sometimes it would be girls/boys partner who will come to declare war on you, with great power comes great responsibility remember. Usually positive signs involve a smile from the recipient of the stare. It is a preferred communication among gay circles. If you are in a gay club, don’t be shocked when you hear “hi I saw you starring at me, wats up?” this will lead to an awkward laughs or a deep kiss in a dark corner bj’s anyone?

The sit by the bar routine. Ideal for one night stands. Basically you go to your nearest watering hole, convenience is everything. Get your favourite beverage, milk and juice not suggested. The lady whose also looking for a 1ns will come and ask you the universal question “can you buy me a drink” or you can go flaunting your pockets by asking dangerous questions like “can I buy you a drink?” the trick to this behaviour is to know your skank target. So as she sips her drink you look for that fluffy look, which should come at about the third beer from a woman that does not drink that much. If it looks like she is just quenched a thirst a of lifetime run! What are the signs of this type of woman you ask? Well if she takes long uninterrupted gulps at her drink and comes out from beneath the cup looking satisfied run! If you say what’s your drink? And she mumbles something about you getting a lekker brandy run! Should you trip and she helps you regain your balance with one hand and does not excuse herself from you” jam-face” run! Ps if it’s a man you just bought a drink don’t get complicated, just call him cute wait for a response. Probabitilies: range from fists to a definite banging happy hunting.

Brothel route, this is for all people with interest and careers in commerce. Routine is everything if you gonna buy the girl of your choice. But it is in this area that many of my commerce brothers excel the best, they can negotiate a girl from two hundred to fifty buck and get the same deal for their’ friend. So you just stare at the merchandise she will likely come to you to offer her services simple. Two things are important in these areas hide money in your left sock and location location location! If the place is way dodgy the price will be the same. If the joint is classy so will the price. How do you find these areas you ask? All the old men in bars know all these joints. I personally have gotten two offers to be taken to some of these establishments the classy one’s mind you! This sort of area is suggested for getting what you can’t get in your normal society. Examples include foreign women, women from other races, trannies, older and younger women. And if you are shallow enough that you can’t maintain relationships. Ps don’t get addicted nothing is worse than walking a couple of miles to a brothel with the exact amount for one round, if you’re thinking of doing this  please turn around. There have been cases were brothers come after three to four pushes, the look on your face is priceless.

And no! She will not do you any favours.

The social media route, which is ideal for perverts, rapists, traffickers, shy people, desperate people and of course the ugly people in our circles. Generally you choose one of the online communities and upload a profile in which you lie, lie, lie. This will increase your chances so take note A. upload a photo of a model (hopefully they are dead) B. lie about your career, no point telling people you are a receptionist no. no. no. you are a junior advocate at a prominent law firm or better yet, you model for teen magazine and Cosmo. First shoo the children out of the room then put the brandy glass down and type C. single with no children D. do not smoke and drink. E. then say you’re a family person.

For the guys chose good careers like golf player, owns farm, CFO, CEO, manager of something. Tell them you like sport. You love the church. You have zero kids though you paying child support. You live in a prominent area, don’t say flat ever.  Don’t forget to add some dodgy achievements, best employee for 20… you also love the environment. Input all the above information and you will guarantee yourself A. tree huggers B. church goes C. gold diggers D. career women E. maybe a friend with benefits if you lucky. Remember that I am encouraging you to lie because all the women who know the real you have not been impressed. I am your friend not foe.

Ladies and gents just don’t get trafficked into prostitution or a sweat shop in Venezuela. Guys don’t be herding cattle in South America or find yourself as an underground boxer (most fights are to the dearth namely yours). Don’t find yourself as a male sex slave in brazil and getting pimp punches from your three gay pimps. They may want to test the merchandise every now and then so to get out of this profession just make sure you get used up quickly and get sent to the dagga fields. At least here you can get high and forget all about it. If you learn the local language you have a chance of getting a promotion to translator/sex slave. So as you text the model from Cape Town, don’t go into that dodgy flat. She will say help me with my door and stand behind you then hit on the back of hand and watch your is fall to the floor. Two smack to communicate brothers will come in to finish the job. Smack! Shut up smack! sit still smack! suck this. My advice, bite the thing and get shot in the head. Done.

What happened to cartoons?

What happened to cartoons?

What happened to cartoons really? I have been watching telly in the day time and only finding young girls pouncing around on some whacky TV show. So kids have to watch other kids play than play themselves, are you serious? TV is another way of saying I don’t feel like running and eating ants, grass and braai forest rodents. It says I wanna raid my dad’s liquor cabinet, eat choclet and watch telly tabbies. But no our kids have to watch other kids play really? That’s why you will have chubby adults, you won’t excise just watch the excise video. It’s called learnt behaviour. And then you wonder why some of these teen celebrities fall into the hands of chubby chunky rich old men. Well think who else has time for daytime television except people who have tons of people working for them digging holes into the earths’ crust.

No imagination

Cartoons are about imagination that’s why most geeks find themselves inventing stuff that the chubby people use. They spent their young days watching wonders about other planets and super powers and as adults became super powerful. These people went to create most of things that did not exist, why you ask? Well they grew up on stories about things that did not exist, see the pattern? But no children have to suffer some show watching other good looking kids have a joll. Really how sadistic can you get? These kids used to be sheltered from the life they could not lead. Now they get to be reminded of how unpopular they are by watching life as they rarely ever experience it. So for these kids it’s off to the games and online chat rooms about suicide and death.

Cartoons were about heroes, fantasy and learning. The online world is about the search for companionship and it is fUll of freaks. So now our kids are out meeting strangers because they are looking for companionship when back in our day the telly was your friend. I can tell you that there are a lot of people that have been directly raised by the television. The key is TV is not really about reality, we have reality already you see. These reality game showS “come meet your favourite singer” are the reason we will raise a generation of stripers and dancers. That’s what they are watching so that’s what they will aim for “singers”. Give them singers they will want to sing. Can’t sing then dance. Can’t make a good living dancing for a good singer then dance with a pole.  

What about the kids who do not have cartoon network? Stuff them or are you saying they should stuff each other? Can’t watch cartoons what is one to do? Experiment with drugs maybe? Oh go play outside that’s what’s really your best option, you may become the next soccer star and help your team win the mvela leaguer. Go run in THE bush and play with electric cables; you may be stealing them in the future you see. Oh even better this will be your introduction to electrical engineering, if you survive. I can just imagine you telling your success story “see there were always cables running about in my street this is what got me interested in cablE theft or engineering”

The bushes are also another place to rest your young gentle feet and have them be introduced to thorns. Just be careful of the rapist who will offer you candy and want you to lick while they watch. Don’t believe the odd unemployed guy whose’ offering you money if you accompany him as he goes picks berries; in this case you are the berries so bare that in mind, your very fragile young mind. Chase snakes and kill birds just don’t point those sling shots at each other’s eyes, you’d hate to be a pirates fan by default. Oh before I forget do start a fire that may grow wild and corner your best friend or burn down the homeless guys’ plastic and grave shelter.  

Just go exploring man holes those things are the dragons that your day care teacher was telling about. The government just hates digging holes and no one gets buried, so this is the governments trap for you. He wants your parents to know that he has a dug a hole for the new electric cable. So either you get killed by drowning in faeces or by electric shock, more reasons to be an electrical or civil engineer. If you succeed you can say “I always admired the open cables in my neighbourhood, all open and majestic in power”. If you do not succeed you can say” cable theft has been a survival tool in my neighbourhood for years, I grew up around open cables’. Should you become a civil engineer you can say “this sh@# made my childhood hell”. If don’t succeed just steal the closure of the man-hole and bring neighbourhood to its prior glory you can even say “I grew up on this SH@#”.

Finally if all fails get the neighbours kids and make your own kids. Then get crappy jobs that lead to crappy salaries that will not be enough for cartoon network. Leave your kids to go to work, so they may fall into a man-hole, get shocked by an electric cable, raped by a mad man, get kidnaped to go make Gucci or they can just make their own kids and continue the cycle again worse times.